Recognize Their Feelings
Instead of asking generic questions about their state of mind, it's helpful to affirm that someone grieving is going through a difficult time. "Acknowledge that what they're going through right now is very painful," suggests Soffer. Don't gloss over their feelings—let them have the chance to grieve fully and without judgment.
Sample phrases to say:
- "It's really tough right now for you."
- "It's a challenging time."
- "This is difficult."
Phrase to Avoid: "How are you doing?"
When you offer this well-meaning phrase, the person is most likely hearing something different: "Please tell me you're doing ok because it's uncomfortable if you say you're not doing well," says Brennan. When faced with this question, people are more likely to respond with "fine" or "OK" rather than truthfully communicating their feelings.
Focus on the Griever
Focus on the person who is experiencing pain at that moment. "Certainly the person is glad [their loved one is] not suffering anymore," says Brennan, "but it doesn't make the pain any different." It might be tempting to comment on the status of the person who died, but it's better to comfort the grieving individual.
Sample phrases to say:
- "I'm sorry you're suffering."
- "Your pain is understandable."
- "I'm sorry you're hurting."
Phrase to Avoid: "They're in a better place."
During such a confusing and personal time, it's better to be cautious than assume a belief system that the griever might not subscribe to, says Brennan. This phrase can also seem to de-emphasize the pain the bereaved feels in the moment. The person is still gone and not with them—and that's what is hard about loss.
Offer Specific Help
Brennan says people are more willing to accept support if it's specific rather than a wide-open offer. Think of tasks that may be challenging to complete while grieving and volunteer to take them off their to-do list. No task is too small, and your efforts will be appreciated.
Sample phrases to say:
- "I'll come over to do a few loads of laundry."
- "I'll drive the carpool for the next month."
- "I'm bringing dinner for the week and will clean up your kitchen."
Phrase to Avoid: "Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you."
Though the intention is admirable, receiving multiple vague offers of support can be overwhelming for the person grieving. It also puts the responsibility on the bereaved to reach out for help, something they may be uncomfortable doing, especially during this difficult time.
Ask About the Deceased
When dealing with the present pain of loss, it can be hard to look towards a future that's full of unknowns, says Soffer. Help someone grieving focus on the memories by asking specific questions about their loved one. While it's understandable you may not wish to remind a person of the loss and the fact that they're grieving, it's also OK (and often preferred) to speak about the recently deceased.
Sample phrases to say:
- "Tell me about your loved one."
- "What do you remember most about them?"
- "Do you have a fond memory of your time together?"
Phrase to Avoid: "You can always…"
If someone loses a partner or a child, you might tell them they can always get remarried or have another child, thinking you're helping them see the silver lining. But to the bereaved, it can sound like you're suggesting a loved one is replaceable. "This plays on one of the biggest fears: that they will somehow forget that person and that they'll not be as important in their life in the future," says Brennan.
Show Empathy
Approaching the bereaved with empathy is a great way to comfort them. Be sure not to compare your feelings to theirs, though. Brennan always recommends giving the person a chance to identify how they feel rather than speaking for them.
Sample phrases to say:
- "I can imagine how you're feeling."
- "I realize you're dealing with a lot."
- "I'm sure this is difficult."
Phrase to Avoid: "I know how you feel."
Though everyone will at some time experience loss, it is an overwhelmingly personal experience. You're never truly able to know how someone experiences the loss and claiming that you do can feel invalidating. This is true even among family and relatives.
Support Their Loss
When grieving, it's painful to face the reality of losing someone you knew and cared about. The loss of a loved one is usually the source of the pain—focus on that, rather than brushing it aside as a non-negotiable aspect of life. This way, the grieving person feels supported.
Sample phrases to say:
- "You must really miss them."
- "I'm sure you think about them a lot."
- "You're probably remembering how much you love them."
Phrase to Avoid: "This all happens eventually."
Everyone does experience death and loss as a part of life, but this perspective might minimize the actual loss at that moment. This phrase is often tossed around when people lose their parents, Brennan notes. While it's a fact, it's not one your friend or family member needs to hear while grieving.
Personalize Your Tribute
Everyone's memory of the person who died and the manner of grieving them will be different. Tie your memorials for the deceased to your actual knowledge base. Tap into your memories and information about the person, and acknowledge that it symbolizes the relationship you two shared, rather than the whole person.
Sample phrases to say:
- "I'd like to honor them this way."
- "I prefer to commemorate their memory like this."
- "This is how I would like to celebrate their life."
Phrase to Avoid: "They would have wanted it this way."
Unless the person planned their funeral, there is no way to know about their preferences. Speaking for the deceased may invite unnecessary quarrels between friends and relatives, who all have different relationships and views of what the deceased would have deemed appropriate. It's best to express your desires without assuming they align with the recently passed individual's wishes.
Be Patient and Understanding
Let the person have complete freedom to feel how they want—even if time has passed since the loved one's death. It is comforting to acknowledge that each moment without them is difficult. And since no one grieves the same way, you may see a variety of emotions and reactions immediately after and in the coming months from the bereaved.
Sample phrases to say:
- "You might not be feeling great, but that's OK."
- "I understand if you're not up for it today."
- "Take your time."
Phrase to Avoid: "You're handling this better than I expected."
It's impossible to know how a person is truly feeling. "They might just be putting on a happy face," says Brennan. Your surprise might reinforce the idea that they shouldn't be suffering the loss of a loved one.
Offer a Listening Ear
Offering your support often goes a long way. Whether it's a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or simply stopping by to visit, the bereaved will appreciate knowing they're not alone. Remind them to lean on you and continue to do so well after the funeral.
Sample phrases to say:
- "I'm here for you."
- "I will check on you in a few days."
- "Can I come over to sit with you?"
Phrase to Avoid: "You're strong and will get through this."
You may want to empower the grieving individual and remind them of their personal strength, but this is a time when they don't have to act strong. It's OK for them to pull strength from others and rely on their support. Saying such a phrase may even imply they need to rush their grief process and length.
Share Memories
One of the most helpful things you can do for a grieving person is share a memory of their loved one—even if you feel like you're not in the inner circle. "You're giving them a perspective on that person that they'd never otherwise get the chance to have," Soffer says. It doesn't have to be a heartfelt moment, either; any positive memory will do.
Sample phrases to say:
- "Remember when...?"
- "I recall when..."
- "One time..."
Phrase to Avoid: Saying nothing.
Saying nothing to the bereaved is probably the worst thing you can do. "You'd be surprised how many people never reach out because they're very uncomfortable," says Soffer. But this may make the grieving individual feel forgotten, unloved, and unsupported during one of the toughest moments in their life.
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