Recognize Their Feelings
Instead of asking generic questions about their state of mind, it's helpful to affirm that someone grieving is going through a difficult time. "Acknowledge that what they're going through right now is very painful," suggests Soffer. Don't gloss over their feelings—let them have the chance to grieve fully and without judgment.
Sample phrases to say:
- "It's really tough right now for you."
- "It's a challenging time."
- "This is difficult."
Phrase to Avoid: "How are you doing?"
When you offer this well-meaning phrase, the person is most likely hearing something different: "Please tell me you're doing ok because it's uncomfortable if you say you're not doing well," says Brennan. When faced with this question, people are more likely to respond with "fine" or "OK" rather than truthfully communicating their feelings.
Focus on the Griever
Focus on the person who is experiencing pain at that moment. "Certainly the person is glad [their loved one is] not suffering anymore," says Brennan, "but it doesn't make the pain any different." It might be tempting to comment on the status of the person who died, but it's better to comfort the grieving individual.
Sample phrases to say:
- "I'm sorry you're suffering."
- "Your pain is understandable."
- "I'm sorry you're hurting."
Phrase to Avoid: "They're in a better place."
During such a confusing and personal time, it's better to be cautious than assume a belief system that the griever might not subscribe to, says Brennan. This phrase can also seem to de-emphasize the pain the bereaved feels in the moment. The person is still gone and not with them—and that's what is hard about loss.
Offer Specific Help
Brennan says people are more willing to accept support if it's specific rather than a wide-open offer. Think of tasks that may be challenging to complete while grieving and volunteer to take them off their to-do list. No task is too small, and your efforts will be appreciated.
Sample phrases to say:
- "I'll come over to do a few loads of laundry."
- "I'll drive the carpool for the next month."
- "I'm bringing dinner for the week and will clean up your kitchen."
Phrase to Avoid: "Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you."
Though the intention is admirable, receiving multiple vague offers of support can be overwhelming for the person grieving. It also puts the responsibility on the bereaved to reach out for help, something they may be uncomfortable doing, especially during this difficult time.
Ask About the Deceased
When dealing with the present pain of loss, it can be hard to look towards a future that's full of unknowns, says Soffer. Help someone grieving focus on the memories by asking specific questions about their loved one. While it's understandable you may not wish to remind a person of the loss and the fact that they're grieving, it's also OK (and often preferred) to speak about the recently deceased.
Sample phrases to say:
- "Tell me about your loved one."
- "What do you remember most about them?"
- "Do you have a fond memory of your time together?"
Phrase to Avoid: "You can always…"
If someone loses a partner or a child, you might tell them they can always get remarried or have another child, thinking you're helping them see the silver lining. But to the bereaved, it can sound like you're suggesting a loved one is replaceable. "This plays on one of the biggest fears: that they will somehow forget that person and that they'll not be as important in their life in the future," says Brennan.
Show Empathy
Approaching the bereaved with empathy is a great way to comfort them. Be sure not to compare your feelings to theirs, though. Brennan always recommends giving the person a chance to identify how they feel rather than speaking for them.
Sample phrases to say:
- "I can imagine how you're feeling."
- "I realize you're dealing with a lot."
- "I'm sure this is difficult."
Phrase to Avoid: "I know how you feel."
Though everyone will at some time experience loss, it is an overwhelmingly personal experience. You're never truly able to know how someone experiences the loss and claiming that you do can feel invalidating. This is true even among family and relatives.
